Shattered Hearts

During the days of Jesus’ life on earth, He offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the One who could save Him from death, and He was heard because of His reverent submission.

Hebrews 5:7

Sometimes God lets you feel what He is feeling – the pain and brokenness that encircles the globe to degrees far worse than any level of earthly pollution. Babies dying. Hungry people with swollen bellies filled with earth. Brutal massacres too bloody to make it onto TV. Nations crumbling. Hatred spilling over bejeweled foreign cups, fingered by politicians who justify their evils with flowery words. Genocide. Abortion. Suicide. Utter sprigs of hopelessness popping up in unwatered countries worldwide.

Can we ever really see what God sees? All the time? I mean, and be able to handle it?

So when God unveils some secret portion of His heart and we dare to weep, are we just as obedient as the Jesus who surrendered everything to sympathize with our sufferings? I don’t know. What do we really know of agony anyways, here with our heated Hondas and closets full of shoes? Would it hurt us to open our eyes once in a while?

All around us, across the world and down the street, people are crying, suffering, even dying. Do you see them?

God does and weeps. And we are His hands, His feet.

I am tired of feeling and crying and doing nothing. Jesus, make me real.

Something Inside Me…

I am realizing more accurately who I am these days. The more I discipline my flesh to align with the Spirit, I am killing the old and finding the new. So much is happening this [school] year. Sure, there are challenges and the things that stretch the mind and spirit… but there are also so many beautiful new things. Every new and difficult thing has a part to play in my new self.  A self that has little to do with ME at all and more to do with my Jesus.

So I am slowly seeing that something inside me wants to preach. And I don’t say that lightly. This is not a special gift that I have and it certainly is not something I even ever aspired to. It is something God is creating in me. I think there are times in your life where you have these lightbulb moments – the kind of moments where you are doing something and suddenly you think – aha! This is it! This is what I want to do for the rest of my life. And for that second, you have a glimpse of destiny right there in your lap.

I’ve had a handful of those moments and I vividly remember each of them. One in particular was when I was in Peru on a missions trip, preaching to a group of people we had gathered on the streets outside Lima. I had subconsciously raised my hand to volunteer to preach and had no idea why I had done so. I did not know what to say or how I would pull the message off with a translator at my side. But that night, I experienced the intimate beauty of working with the Holy Spirit like never before. I began to speak… and then I was not even aware of what I was saying. Only that at certain times the Spirit gave me “notes,” things to say and when to say them. At the altar call, perhaps a dozen people came to salvation!!! I was in absolute shock. What happened? Where did all that come from? I knew precisely that it was NOT me.

Still after that moment, I did not desire to preach, but I have noticed a few other times that when the moment arises and I am joining the Spirit in what He is doing, I absolutely LOVE to preach. I love to see the Gospel clicking in someone’s mind. Even if they do not say anything, the eyes show it. They are thinking about it, about this Jesus they had never heard about before. I love the authority of the Spirit that kisses the Gospel and makes it come alive. As Johannes has been teaching us, without the Holy Spirit to ignite the Word being preached, you have nothing but a show. And showy preaching is so yesterday, so ineffective, so been-there-done-that.

I want the original fire. The real thing. The crazy passionate from-the-heart Gospel that cuts to the heart of the listener. The Gospel that changed the world and turned it upside down from the moment Jesus began speaking. The Gospel that revolutionized twelve disciples’ lives and turned them from ordinary men into unashamed wielders of the Truth. This is something I want to be a part of, something that transforms not only the people hearing the Word, but also the person presenting it. Because every time I have the beautiful opportunity to share the Gospel, something shifts inside of me. Something that I know makes me a little more like Jesus every time.

Fake

Cities are pretty at night

All lit up -

Sparkly

You can’t even see the dirt underneath the fingernails then.

…

It’s kind of like work clothes:

Suits and stockings

Make up -

My best first Impression.

But that’s not really who I am

Like playing Dress Up in Mama’s closet.

…

I think I’m concluding that I’m more of a country girl than I thought.

‘Cause I need space to breathe

Reality

No masks of pretty faces -

Just me.

…

Where are the genuine? The pure? The unveiled and unashamed?

When the Son of Man returns, will He find faith on the earth???

…

PS I’m not a poet either. This is just how I think…

Pittsburgh by night

MCM…

For anyone who is wondering, here’s a video to offer a glimpse of my new school.

Welcome to my classroom:

 

 

This just PUMPS me up!!!!

Fresh.

Wow. There is so much happening in my life right now. New address. New school. New job. New friends. New church. Praise God that Jesus is the same yesterday today and forever!

I am officially a student at MCM Ministry School and every day I am reminded of why I decided to sacrifice so much to come here. I am challenged SO much in faith and action. I am learning who I am all over again. And it’s good.

Walter Zuniga (our El Salvador-born, Sweden-raised, Bulgaria-planted missionary teacher this week) said something yesterday about letting the Holy Spirit teach us. About throwing out everything we think we understand thus far about Jesus, about ministry, about the Spirit, about evangelism, everything. Ask the Spirit to teach you again, he said, in a voice that sounds a lot like Johannes’. Start fresh.

That’s exactly how I would describe everything right now. Not only am I rebooting my education experience, but every other aspect of life seems to be screaming this theme of new.  My job, which I had hoped would be easy since I was transferring locations within the same employer, has proved to be much more stressful than my previous one because of its busyness. What I thought I had mastered seems to have sent me hurtling back to the training stage since there are so many steps that are performed differently here.

I have decided, as well, to become a youth leader at APC which, I thought, hey, is a piece of cake – I’ve done it before.

Not.

I have to make all new friendships and connections. I love the kids and it is not something I regret signing up for, but I think it may be a bit more difficult than I anticipated. Only because I have to start all over. Not totally forgetting what I’ve already learned in youth ministry, but being willing to be flexible and pushed and teachable in an environment that - as of now – makes me really homesick for my youth group.

There is so much in store this year that I have yet to wrap my mind around. And I have learned so much about the strength and authority I have in the Spirit (It is amazing what a different day I will have if I just spend my drive to work praying in tongues!) The focus is Jesus’ heart. The mission is people. Everywhere. Every day. Even when it’s new and challenging and a little bit frightening.

Isn’t this what I asked for when I signed up for adventure?